I feel like for the last few months I've been characterizing myself as merely a tub of margarine with a keyboard. But I want you all to know that I'm so much more than that! And not just because I've long outgrown the confines of my "Country Crock" brand uterine home, but because I have flesh and blood; a soul and a heart with more bad cholesterol than you can probably even imagine... I have problems just like you and your odd little friends!
I am a full time student with enough debt to buy a McDonalds franchise. (Now there's an idea...) I work 16 hours a week at a job where I sit on my ever-expanding ass and imagine a lonely, calorie-rich forever while lusting after the muscle bound mutants that stroll through my office on the regular. (Ironically, I work at the School of Nutrition and Health Promotion at ASU.)
I make $8.00 an hour. I work 16 hours a week. To do the math for you (because I'm endlessly generous and I know you're sooooo interested in even the minutiae of my ultimately exciting life), that means that I make $128 a week. $256 a paycheck before tax. So basically I'm rollin' in it. I'm the Scrooge McDuck of the tangible world. But only if Scrooge McDuck invested in real estate juuuuust before 2008 and therefore lost everything and had to live with his mother and drive a 1993 Subaru Legacy with a crack dividing the windshield in two and an oil leak. To make this metaphor completely accurate, please imagine that whenever Scrooge drove over to his friends' houses who still live in upperclass Duckville the car decided to jazz things up by squeaking with every turn.
Because Scrooge is classy like that.
To make matters worse, I can't afford to change my oil after spending $255 at a Chinese buffets in the first three days following payday so my car guzzles gas like I guzzle the sauce covering my delicious orange chicken. And believe me... I can get DOWN on some orange chicken. Shit's like mother's milk... Damn...
Anyway, because my car loves it some oran-- oil, I get shitty gas milage. So now I'm up to my chins in credit card debt in addition to my student loans.
Mi vida...
So my problem isn't that I am in debt. I think people have a big issue with misdiagnosing their financial burdens. My main issue is that I will never, ever, have enough money to pay it all back. I'm planning to be a Social Worker. A public servant. A slave to the generosity of the taxpayers. So basically they'll bury me in a cardboard box and throw me in a ditch after I die of starvation.
(Wait! This means I'll be skinny! I knew there was a silver lining!)
(But with my luck I'll be malnourished from just eating from the Dollar Menu and they'll still need to find the biggest cardboard box ever imagined to send me to my earthly eternity.)
Mi vida...
So basically the moral of my story, now that I've gotten around to it, is that Fat Girls Hate money. Or rather, they hate that they don't have ALL the money. Not just a little bit. But all of it.
I want to be able to clothe myself in money. Individual dollar bills all sewn together by Vera Wang into the largest shrine to currency and capitalism every worn by a barn yard animal. I want to be able to buy a new car. A big car. I don't know if you've ever googled what a Subaru Legacy looks like, but it's small. And it's starting to smell like a little sour from me having to grease the sides with spray butter to get my big ass in. (By the way, we call mine Tron. It was named by my huge-boobed, disgustingly skinny, gorgeous best friend who is also fantastically nerdy. She's basically the wet dream of every man-child on Memebase.)
I want to be able to buy a house with elevators. Or better yet, those chairs you can sit in and go up your stairs...
I want to be able to pay off my student loans. There is no joke in this. That's just a straight fact. This blog is not a Kate is Funny blog. It's a Things Fat Girls Hate blog. And guess what? Fat Girls Hate student loans...
Clearly among many other things.
The moral of the story: In case you didn't catch it before. Fat girls hate not being able to buy the food they so desperately want/need/desire/lust after/fantasize about/fap to.
