Literally Anything on this Planet Besides Sweatpants

This is pretty self explanatory. We all know either from living the life or being assaulted by a cotton-covered Shamu in Walmart that there is nothing in the world that fat girls love more than sweatpants. But of course they can't be the stylish little sweatpants or anything like that.

(EXCEPT for the fat girls in denial that go to Victoria's Secret and buy those overpriced "yoga" pants with "Pink" smeared across the back. But in their case it says PPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK and it looks like it's screaming at you. The damn cotton is stretched so thin that ALL of Victoria's secrets are exposed through the fabric. Camel toe ain't cute. Also, I'm not sure who they're trying to fool. Bitch please. You don't do yoga!)

But more than likely they are the standard issue $5 Walmart sweatpants with the elastic on the bottom that leads to nothing but an imprint on their skin because of their oversized cankles.

But let's be clear: I fucking LOVE sweatpants. Because they're stretchy (my fave), it makes it seem like I've lost weight every time I put them on and I congratulate myself with a piece of the most fattening thing I can find in my cupboard. (Which causes the only upset in this plan, gaining more weight and being clueless until you put on your fat jeans and they're fucking tiny.)

But you have to keep in mind that they are never like a normal color. Because every time you go to the store to stock up on some new threads, all the fat girls have already gotten there first and the grey/black ones in your size are gone. So you end up getting the closest thing you can find to a color that a normal human being would have on their body and end up with Navy Blue. Or purple. Or heaven forbid, green.

I'm not even sure why they even sell purple or green sweatpants. It's like they're mocking me. "Haha hooker, choose comfort and humiliation or looking fly and hating your life because you're not in these delicious sweatpants. Good luck!"

Sometimes pride gets in the way and the Fat Girl decides that nothing is going to keep her from getting human-colored leg-drapes. So she buys a pair that isn't her size.

There is no way to win with this situation, but she ain't gonna let it stop her. If she goes a size too big she discovers how comfortable they are when they just hang out around your legs like toddler dresses. So then she looks like a heifer for the rest of her days.

OR she can go a size small. This is where it gets real cute. This is when Plump Patty looks like she stuck some lambskin condoms on her legs like some undereducated virgin. We all know the look.

(Protip: If this happens to you, fellow fat girls, what you do is lean over and put your hands inside your pants, on your knees, and push out. BOOM. They fit and you don't look like the larval stage of a hamburger.)

But however bad they may look, they are comfortable and more reliable than any man in these lonely bitches lives.

And don't believe fat girls when they say that they just "have multiple pairs of the same color sweatpants." Bitch PLEASE. You've got one pair and you wash it every third week. I don't know who you're tryna' kid. We can smell the bacon on where you dropped it on your thigh last week.

Moral of the Story: Fat girls love sweatpants and hate everything else because they're so jaded to happiness that anything else pales in comparison. Those who watch it happen don't feel the same.