Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Thin Women

We all know the deal: We're jealous. It's a fact, and while I'm ok with it because I have come to cope with the crippling envy, we all hate skinny women. We'll befriend them and succumb to being the designated fat friend that EVERY skinny girl has, but we all hate them.

All my most treasured friends, the ones most dear to my heart, are fucking tiny and I always imagine them perishing in the flames of the very same broiler that's cooking my barbeque ribs. And I smile and I laugh and it helps me deal with some of my closest friends being fucking models. Literally.

There are so many things we hate about skinny women that I'm going to have to make a straight up bulleted list of the things. And trust me when I say that no matter how much I continue to write, it doesn't cover the full extent of our disdain. It's about to get bitter up in here.

Most of our issues stem from the things they can do and we can't because of public shame.
For instance:
  • If a thin girl farts or burps in the company of a gentleman caller, it's cute and she's considered "One of the guys" or some guy's dream girl. If we do it, we're fucking disgusting and deserve to be "roasted like the pig we are." A friend of mine brought this to my attention and while I am probably the worst kind of fat girl, (I fart anyway, whores. I'll do it in your bed and let it sneak up on you. Believe. It's really a wonder that I'm single...), I'm judged. Oh... so judged.
  • Use the handicapped stall in a bathroom. Let's be real here, we all love that damn stall. You can get in there, do your business and then do a cartwheel in all the space you have. It's airy and you don't have to sit in your own stink for the extent of your colon cleanse. If a fat girl does it, she's judged. I know this because I judge them. I think to myself, "Damn... bitch can't even fit in a regular stall." But if a skinny girl does it, she's just uncomfortable or self centered. Probably the latter.
  • Order food. Everyone plays that game where you listen in on the fat girl's order and see how much she's about to shovel into her gullet. Better believe she's getting that side of mashed potatoes; she doesn't care how much it costs, it's going into the maw. But don't worry, she'll balance it out with a Diet Coke. Thank god for that, just when you think she's a huge disgusting mess, she gets a diet drink and you're fooled into thinking she's a skinny little thang again. No one pays any attention to when skinny girls order, unless she orders a salad and her date/friends/parents/random passersby tell her that she needs to get some meat on her bones and order a steak. If a fat girl orders a steak, she's hoisted up on the nearest cross-beam and crucified! The steak itself has regrown its bovine mouth and is mooing the words of Pontius Pilate.
  • Trying on clothes. I feel like I don't even need to put an explanation on this one, but I will anyway because CLEARLY I like to see myself write. No matter what you're trying on, the skinny whore who gives you the key to the stall looks at the size. You see it; she knows you see it. She judges you; you judge yourself and check the railing over the top of the door to see if it would hold you if you decided to hang yourself from it, using a strip of fabric from your enormous fucking jeans. It's a nightmare on earth.
  • Manage to be cold anywhere you are. I'm not sure how it even happens, but skinny girls are always freezing. They need a parka in this busted Arizona heat when it's 7,000 degrees outside and the rest of us have sweat pooling in every concievable crevice. People think it's endearing and your date/mother/friend/random passersby want to put an arm around you and shelter you from the heat. You delicate little flower... But we all know that fat girls are always sweating. Winter, summer, fall, spring, at any altitude, we sweatin', and let's not kid ourselves... that's nasty.
Moral of the story: Fat girls hate skinny girls. We'll look them in the eye and cheer along with the rest of the parade celebrating their life, but we secretly (or not so secretly) want to poison their salmon salad.

Note: The credit for most of these ideas come from my lovely friend Jamie Elsmore. She's an inspiration to fat girls everywhere.

31 comments:

  1. Skinny girls have a nicer smell. Fat girls smell really bad because of the fat rolls and they don't wipe their butts well which is why they always have yeast infections. Maybe that is why fat girls are so hateful?

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  2. Jealous bitch :D

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  3. As a naturally thin woman myself who has remained the same size since high school (now 30), I am tired of overweight jealous women taking their insecurities out on me and other thin women. I would never talk to an overweight person this way, and I find it incredibly sad at how much anger you carry inside. So why don't you try this, take that anger and jealousy and use it to get fit. You'll be amazed at how happy you'll be once you're comfortable in your own skin, and don't tell me you are, because you wouldn't have written this if you were. Peace out.

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    1. This was pretty clearly a humor blog. You seemed to really take this personally. Perhaps it is not me that needs to work on myself. Also, I write this when I was 20. Sue me.

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    2. Ugh who cares if you are not as skinny as u were in high school you idiot. See this is what we r all talking about. WE. DONT. CARE... They r not jealous, they are just sick and tired of people making fun because they don't have a body like you. Plz honey we could care less about you highschool life.

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    3. Wolf_Kate nice try, this is a piece you wrote out of jealousy and insecurity. Own up to it or delete. You will meet your karma for your crippling hatred.

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  4. Clearly a humor blog huh? Must be why every person who commented didn't find it funny.Its literally just bitching and complaining. Had someone made a list about things we hate about fat bitches there would be a shit storm. If it was meant to be taken tongue in cheek or not. If you're going to make a satire that includes stating multiple times of a desire to kill other human beings, better make that god damn shit hilarious.

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  5. Dude even if you're trolling there are people who actually think like this and are delusional. Exhibit A: thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com

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  6. Bruuh every fat girl that hates on a slim/pretty girls u kno she fucking jello :'))

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  7. Ironically enough that Diet Coke is the fat culprit.

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  8. This is hilarious. I mean, because I'm heavy, I get the humor. It's moreso self loathing I would say.:P I don't hate my skinny friends, I hate that they can eat ice cream, and burgers and I'm like stabbing my hand with a fork to NOT touch a fry or I'll bloat. But since you're heavier author, obviously you're a mean spiteful person and couldn't be making satire about everything effortful when you're heavy is effortless for a skinnier girl. It's not her fault, but it does make for *grass is greener* syndrome. Fat girls with opinions. Jesus, next they'll claim they have personalities.

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  9. For a couple skinny girls( like me) it's the same. I hate fat girls and their 'curves' haha so funny. Lumps of fat are not curves. Don't get confused. One of my bestfriends is overweight, I love her to bits. But when she asks if shes fat I can't say yes or else I'm a bitch. Seriously stop complaining and excercise.

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    1. Maybe they have been excercising. Maybe they body that they have right now was a result of losing 30 lbs during the summer and they r so proud of ththeir achivement. Maybe if we gave them just a little break from our stupidity. Then they could feel like they are loved.

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  10. I am a plus-size woman and I get so mad when skinny girls either steal my boyfriends or I see a skinny girl with a wonderful man when, at the same time, all I ever attract are the bad guys; the rotten men who use women and don't care; no one should be hated because of weight or looks; GOD made all of us. I don't know why I am hated because of my weight when I have feelings the same as all other women.

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    1. You're hated because of your weight because skinny girls are more attractive. Someone who is a healthy weight will be more sought after... That's just nature taking it's course. If you're not willing to put in the effort to maintain a healthy weight and make yourself worth something, you're not going to get the guys that are worth anything. Either better yourself or settle for less, don't just sit around bitching that the hot guys don't want to date a cow. It's simple.

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  11. Lol, this is a pretty funny read even coming from a skinny girl, not just skinny but tiny, 5'0 105lbs. But the thing with being a tiny girl is your short! You still long for those long attractive legs and guys always consider you "cute" but never sexy and omg gorgeous. Yeah I have no problem attracting a guy for the most part because im just so darn "little and cute" but truth is if they had their choice you know damn well they would choose the long tan rail standing next to me. And trying to find the perfect jeans at my height is hard sometimes! And everyone looks at you as delicate which gets very frustrating because the whole time i'm thinking i'm about to show you how "fragile" I am! Oh and I just love people thinking I am 12! Lol I am 24 and I am not exaggerating I have had people not serve me an alcoholic beverage because they thought I was 12! Its embarrassing :( Just like everyone else I want to be looked at as an attractive desirable young women but instead good guys avoid me because I look like jail bait X_X ...We all have are envies, but Its not easy being thin and I think people forget that, yeah some women are naturally thin but usually (not always) once your out of high school/college that phase ends and really have to work for it. Skinny girls pass up desserts, big meals, sugary drinks, and seconds because we have to. We wouldn't be skinny bitches if we ate whatever we wanted and did not kill ourselves at the gym :P We have to exercise daily and eat things that are good for you, not because they taste good. One saying I live by is "eat to live, not live to eat" it is so true! Food was put on this earth for our nutrition not our pleasure, not that its wrong to enjoy food but there is such a thing as abusing it just like a drug or alcohol. I don't look down on someone for being "fat" but I guess the only thing that makes me mad/judgey is that they are not taking care of their bodies! Overeating and eating bad foods effects not just your weight but also your heart, circulatory system, and about everything else. I am aware that some people are naturally bigger and hey I have nothing bad to say about those people as long as your levels are healthy :) BTW It is true about being cold! I am always cold! Its actually kind of annoying. Anyways, good post, take care!

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  12. Heavy women hating thin women, thin women hating fat women...what a sad waste of time and emotion! Why can't people spend their lives trying to develop their talents and help others? And incidentally, I am a heavy woman. And at 59 I am glad to be alive-and I do not hate anyone, nor do I hate myself.

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  13. The "skinny whore" who looks at your clothing size while helping you with the dressing room door might be looking to see what size you are trying on, so that if you need a larger or smaller size, she has an idea of what to bring you. I'm sure you've dealt with dressing room attendants who are mean, but to classify all as "skinny whore" is just as bad as being nasty to someone for being heavy.

    Being so blatantly nasty towards skinny women everywhere does not exactly fill me with sympathy towards your plight. I gained weight in college after breaking my ankle my freshman year (I went from 110 pounds to almost 160) and lost it a few years later, so while I guess I could be called a "skinny whore" NOW there was a time in my life when I was a size 14 (at 5'3").

    If your hate-filled attitude and speech is acceptable, then so is everyone elses....by the way, not everyone on this planet behaves or thinks like the cruelest examples you write about in this blog.

    For that matter, you aren't actually the center of other people's lives. Most people think about themselves first and last, and if they notice you it is only in passing. I'd suggest that your life would be generally happier if you would not focus so much on what other people MIGHT be thinking about you, so you could then be present in your life.

    Don't waste so much energy on what what other's MIGHT think. If someone actually insults you, then deal with the insult as appropriate to the situation. If you are simply projecting all sorts of things onto the thoughts of others when they are far more likely to be thinking of themselves, you are wasting a lot ot mental energy on nothing.

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  14. The most amusing part of being fat...is that your opinion doesn't matter because you're fat. Why don't you just not be fat and all of a sudden people will want to pay attention to you.

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    1. That's your own insecurities whispering in your ear.

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  15. Since genetics plays a HUGE part, if not all, in someone's body size and/or physical appearance, how is hating someone due to their appearance any different from hating someone due to the color of their skin? Stop Hating.

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  16. I'm 5'8 and 113-115. I'm tall and skinny. But that's not me bragging about how I look, that's me telling you how I look. Too be completely honest with you I'm not as happy as everyone thinks I'm put out to be. Yes I know I'm skinny and I know the LAST thing I need to do is loss weight or go on a diet. I have times when I look in the mirror and think I am WAY too thin. I eat normal I don't ever say no to food because I don't want to gain weight... I might say no to food that I don't like or the face that I am just not hungry! (yes we "skinny bitches" can actually not be hungry at times) I would never say rude things to a over weight person... because you know what?! the hell with fat girls... THE HELL with skinny girls/guys!! We are human!! We are different sizes and shapes and colors and who cares about what people think or MIGHT be thinking. just LOVE yourself for who you are. People are so into other peoples bodies and what they wish they looked liked when you should just look at yourself and say "I look good" what you look like right now or 20 years from now IS YOU!!!THAT IS THE REAL YOU! and if you want to lose or gain weight they DO IT! because if you worry about other peoples thoughts about you all the time then life will pass you by.

    just be happy
    and if your not satisfied with the out come only you can change it.

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  17. I use to be skinny now I'm fat due to stupid medication I am on. I go to gym work out still can't loose anything. I hate skinny bitches just wanna kill them. Ggrrrr jealous yep I am. Till I loose weight be skinny again I won't be jealous anymore. Ha ha.

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  18. I think that jealous fat bitches like you should just be friends with other jealous fat bitches. Make a club or something, comprised of women who hate their bodies. You can get together and eat chips with ranch dip and bitch about how real women have convex curves. I have no problem with fat but I have a problem with whiny fat ass attitudes. Chew on this fatties: what you are jealous of, what you bitterly envy in other people -- you will never enjoy for your yourself. And if you get it one day, unless you let go of the bitchy fat bitch attitude, you'll never enjoy it. I am slim, I can eat what I want, and I work out three times a week cause I love to feel fit and flexible. This is not bragging, this is a fact. Everybody has insecurities, get over yours and try to live the best life you can or shut up.

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  19. I found the article funny. It takes courage to publish something like this.

    I don't have any skinny friends, though, or at least not much smaller than me (we are all tall). It would be too painful to always be in the company of someone half my size, I don't see how any woman can accept that kind of torture.

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    1. It does not take any courage by writing an anonymous blog about hate when your real identity is hidden behind a keyboard and a generic username. Try writing it on Twitter where your friends and colleagues can read the blog.

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