Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Thin Women

We all know the deal: We're jealous. It's a fact, and while I'm ok with it because I have come to cope with the crippling envy, we all hate skinny women. We'll befriend them and succumb to being the designated fat friend that EVERY skinny girl has, but we all hate them.

All my most treasured friends, the ones most dear to my heart, are fucking tiny and I always imagine them perishing in the flames of the very same broiler that's cooking my barbeque ribs. And I smile and I laugh and it helps me deal with some of my closest friends being fucking models. Literally.

There are so many things we hate about skinny women that I'm going to have to make a straight up bulleted list of the things. And trust me when I say that no matter how much I continue to write, it doesn't cover the full extent of our disdain. It's about to get bitter up in here.

Most of our issues stem from the things they can do and we can't because of public shame.
For instance:
  • If a thin girl farts or burps in the company of a gentleman caller, it's cute and she's considered "One of the guys" or some guy's dream girl. If we do it, we're fucking disgusting and deserve to be "roasted like the pig we are." A friend of mine brought this to my attention and while I am probably the worst kind of fat girl, (I fart anyway, whores. I'll do it in your bed and let it sneak up on you. Believe. It's really a wonder that I'm single...), I'm judged. Oh... so judged.
  • Use the handicapped stall in a bathroom. Let's be real here, we all love that damn stall. You can get in there, do your business and then do a cartwheel in all the space you have. It's airy and you don't have to sit in your own stink for the extent of your colon cleanse. If a fat girl does it, she's judged. I know this because I judge them. I think to myself, "Damn... bitch can't even fit in a regular stall." But if a skinny girl does it, she's just uncomfortable or self centered. Probably the latter.
  • Order food. Everyone plays that game where you listen in on the fat girl's order and see how much she's about to shovel into her gullet. Better believe she's getting that side of mashed potatoes; she doesn't care how much it costs, it's going into the maw. But don't worry, she'll balance it out with a Diet Coke. Thank god for that, just when you think she's a huge disgusting mess, she gets a diet drink and you're fooled into thinking she's a skinny little thang again. No one pays any attention to when skinny girls order, unless she orders a salad and her date/friends/parents/random passersby tell her that she needs to get some meat on her bones and order a steak. If a fat girl orders a steak, she's hoisted up on the nearest cross-beam and crucified! The steak itself has regrown its bovine mouth and is mooing the words of Pontius Pilate.
  • Trying on clothes. I feel like I don't even need to put an explanation on this one, but I will anyway because CLEARLY I like to see myself write. No matter what you're trying on, the skinny whore who gives you the key to the stall looks at the size. You see it; she knows you see it. She judges you; you judge yourself and check the railing over the top of the door to see if it would hold you if you decided to hang yourself from it, using a strip of fabric from your enormous fucking jeans. It's a nightmare on earth.
  • Manage to be cold anywhere you are. I'm not sure how it even happens, but skinny girls are always freezing. They need a parka in this busted Arizona heat when it's 7,000 degrees outside and the rest of us have sweat pooling in every concievable crevice. People think it's endearing and your date/mother/friend/random passersby want to put an arm around you and shelter you from the heat. You delicate little flower... But we all know that fat girls are always sweating. Winter, summer, fall, spring, at any altitude, we sweatin', and let's not kid ourselves... that's nasty.
Moral of the story: Fat girls hate skinny girls. We'll look them in the eye and cheer along with the rest of the parade celebrating their life, but we secretly (or not so secretly) want to poison their salmon salad.

Note: The credit for most of these ideas come from my lovely friend Jamie Elsmore. She's an inspiration to fat girls everywhere.

13 comments:

  1. Skinny girls have a nicer smell. Fat girls smell really bad because of the fat rolls and they don't wipe their butts well which is why they always have yeast infections. Maybe that is why fat girls are so hateful?

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  2. Jealous bitch :D

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  3. As a naturally thin woman myself who has remained the same size since high school (now 30), I am tired of overweight jealous women taking their insecurities out on me and other thin women. I would never talk to an overweight person this way, and I find it incredibly sad at how much anger you carry inside. So why don't you try this, take that anger and jealousy and use it to get fit. You'll be amazed at how happy you'll be once you're comfortable in your own skin, and don't tell me you are, because you wouldn't have written this if you were. Peace out.

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    1. This was pretty clearly a humor blog. You seemed to really take this personally. Perhaps it is not me that needs to work on myself. Also, I write this when I was 20. Sue me.

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  4. Clearly a humor blog huh? Must be why every person who commented didn't find it funny.Its literally just bitching and complaining. Had someone made a list about things we hate about fat bitches there would be a shit storm. If it was meant to be taken tongue in cheek or not. If you're going to make a satire that includes stating multiple times of a desire to kill other human beings, better make that god damn shit hilarious.

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  5. Dude even if you're trolling there are people who actually think like this and are delusional. Exhibit A: thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com

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  6. Bruuh every fat girl that hates on a slim/pretty girls u kno she fucking jello :'))

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  7. Ironically enough that Diet Coke is the fat culprit.

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  8. This is hilarious. I mean, because I'm heavy, I get the humor. It's moreso self loathing I would say.:P I don't hate my skinny friends, I hate that they can eat ice cream, and burgers and I'm like stabbing my hand with a fork to NOT touch a fry or I'll bloat. But since you're heavier author, obviously you're a mean spiteful person and couldn't be making satire about everything effortful when you're heavy is effortless for a skinnier girl. It's not her fault, but it does make for *grass is greener* syndrome. Fat girls with opinions. Jesus, next they'll claim they have personalities.

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  9. For a couple skinny girls( like me) it's the same. I hate fat girls and their 'curves' haha so funny. Lumps of fat are not curves. Don't get confused. One of my bestfriends is overweight, I love her to bits. But when she asks if shes fat I can't say yes or else I'm a bitch. Seriously stop complaining and excercise.

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