All my most treasured friends, the ones most dear to my heart, are fucking tiny and I always imagine them perishing in the flames of the very same broiler that's cooking my barbeque ribs. And I smile and I laugh and it helps me deal with some of my closest friends being fucking models. Literally.
There are so many things we hate about skinny women that I'm going to have to make a straight up bulleted list of the things. And trust me when I say that no matter how much I continue to write, it doesn't cover the full extent of our disdain. It's about to get bitter up in here.
Most of our issues stem from the things they can do and we can't because of public shame.
- If a thin girl farts or burps in the company of a gentleman caller, it's cute and she's considered "One of the guys" or some guy's dream girl. If we do it, we're fucking disgusting and deserve to be "roasted like the pig we are." A friend of mine brought this to my attention and while I am probably the worst kind of fat girl, (I fart anyway, whores. I'll do it in your bed and let it sneak up on you. Believe. It's really a wonder that I'm single...), I'm judged. Oh... so judged.
- Use the handicapped stall in a bathroom. Let's be real here, we all love that damn stall. You can get in there, do your business and then do a cartwheel in all the space you have. It's airy and you don't have to sit in your own stink for the extent of your colon cleanse. If a fat girl does it, she's judged. I know this because I judge them. I think to myself, "Damn... bitch can't even fit in a regular stall." But if a skinny girl does it, she's just uncomfortable or self centered. Probably the latter.
- Order food. Everyone plays that game where you listen in on the fat girl's order and see how much she's about to shovel into her gullet. Better believe she's getting that side of mashed potatoes; she doesn't care how much it costs, it's going into the maw. But don't worry, she'll balance it out with a Diet Coke. Thank god for that, just when you think she's a huge disgusting mess, she gets a diet drink and you're fooled into thinking she's a skinny little thang again. No one pays any attention to when skinny girls order, unless she orders a salad and her date/friends/parents/random passersby tell her that she needs to get some meat on her bones and order a steak. If a fat girl orders a steak, she's hoisted up on the nearest cross-beam and crucified! The steak itself has regrown its bovine mouth and is mooing the words of Pontius Pilate.
- Trying on clothes. I feel like I don't even need to put an explanation on this one, but I will anyway because CLEARLY I like to see myself write. No matter what you're trying on, the skinny whore who gives you the key to the stall looks at the size. You see it; she knows you see it. She judges you; you judge yourself and check the railing over the top of the door to see if it would hold you if you decided to hang yourself from it, using a strip of fabric from your enormous fucking jeans. It's a nightmare on earth.
- Manage to be cold anywhere you are. I'm not sure how it even happens, but skinny girls are always freezing. They need a parka in this busted Arizona heat when it's 7,000 degrees outside and the rest of us have sweat pooling in every concievable crevice. People think it's endearing and your date/mother/friend/random passersby want to put an arm around you and shelter you from the heat. You delicate little flower... But we all know that fat girls are always sweating. Winter, summer, fall, spring, at any altitude, we sweatin', and let's not kid ourselves... that's nasty.
Note: The credit for most of these ideas come from my lovely friend Jamie Elsmore. She's an inspiration to fat girls everywhere.