Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Clothes

Clothing and body covers in general are some of the most horrible things in a fat girl's life. It is a nightmare on earth trying to find something that fits your body in some sort of semi-flattering way. And when I say semi-flattering I mean that it just has to hide the fact that you're a massive porker.

But no matter how you're shaped, "apple," "pear," "upside down pear," "pineapple upside down cake," there is never, EVER anything that can make you look like the celebrity stylist you're modeling yourself after.

No matter what you look you go for, the Fat Girl always fails miserably. If you try to go for the "bohemian, artsy" look you look straight up homeless. Sundresses make you look 14 months pregnant. V-necks accentuate the goods, and by that I mean people just imagine how saggy they must look outside of a bra (that is IF you're wearing one. Please fat girls, wear a damn bra. I don't want to see your enormous nipple hanging out of the bottom of your dress OR sticking out the top, which happens when you have to roll them up like a Fruit by the Foot."

If you're going for the "edgy, rocker chick" look, there is literally nothing you can do to keep yourself from looking like a lesbian. Straight up. Fat "rocker" chicks look like lesbians and there's no denying it. (They also can't rock the cute pixie 'do, a la that cute ass Emma Watson, because you end up looking like Rosie O'Donnell on meth.)

If they attempt the "country club, preppy" look they look like middle aged spinsters, which of course they inevitably will become if they're dressing like this. Those pearls that you bought to look like Jackie O, they make you look like beads of sweat are just pooling in your face makeup and dripping down your neck. Ain't cute, fat girl, ain't cute.

But of course, genres of clothing are not the only issue we come across when shopping. Even once we've found our "look," we have to attempt to find a cut and fabric that flatter us. Let's just forget polyester even exists, ok. It's for our own sake. If nothing else, for the sake of humanity and global warming. Nothing smells worse that a fat girl sweating in polyester. Jesus Christ. And it's always some weird, acrid, sweet smell. It smells like bread baking in a Middle Eastern sweat shop. However, the benefit of this fabric is that it flows nicely and doesn't get stuck in weird places.

Cotton, on the other hand  gets ALL up in your business. Because it's so coarse it gets all up in even the tiniest roll and makes you look like the Michelin Man.

Wool is straight out. That's just a way to harness all the heat that your body is already producing and insulate it forever. If you're ever cold on the street, walk up to a fat girl in wool and lift up her top. Keep down the bile that's inevitably rising in your throat, and just bask in the heat of her thorax. She'll probably thank you, being that you know she wanted to air that motha' out anyway.

Pants are a huge heap of problems of their own. No matter how well your underwear fit, you've always got a panty line. You can have a thong on and still see it. Boy shorts, granny panties, "cheekers," they all got together and stuffed their hems with cotton so it sticks out  of even the thickest of jeans.

But no matter what shape you are, if you get to a certain degree of fat-itutude, you can count on your thighs rubbing together. So of course that part of your pants wears out first, or at the very least gets a ton of those little balls of fabric on them and you are straight up judged by everybody because they KNOW what's up.

(Personal Story: One time my jeans straight up ripped there because I had worn them so often, but I continued to wear them because I was 15 and thought that it looked "edgy." Little did I know that that was probably the most disgusting thing that any sect of humanity can fathom. And I had FRIENDS. God knows how...)

Another huge issue my people have with clothes is length. CLEARLY all of the enormous spokeswomen that hang out with clothing designers, putting in the two cents for the fat girls, are all 16 inches tall. The larger the size, the shorter the length. It's sickening.

Jeans and pants are always cut so they fall juuuuust above the ankle, making them completely unacceptable for public showcase. But if you buy "long," it makes you feel like a freaking midget. People, I am 5' 9". I'm not a freaking shimp, but "long" jeans are clearly made for people with a complete absence of torso. Obviously they're not made for proportional human beings, and if they are, I'd like to see the convention that is held celebrating these 8 foot tall individuals. There would have to be one; you know that mutants all like to band together...

However, I have to say that my favorite thing to see is women who wear those polos that are clearly like 6 inches too short and all you see is the tire that they're smuggling out of Walmart underneath their skin...

Moral of the Story: Fat girls hate clothes. Nothing ever works, nothing ever fits, nothing ever looks good, and nothing ever keeps you from looking like the Hindenburg Disaster, flames and all.

1 comment:

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