When People Insist They Aren't "Fat"

Bitch please. If there is one thing that irritates me most in this world, it's this. Maybe this one is a little more specific to my own personal distaste, but I hate when I casually refer to my weight in conversation and people drop in the seemingly obligatory "Oh, you're not fat you're just [curvy, thick, a real woman, other random "softened" versions of the word "fat."]"

Are you kidding me? First off, don't interrupt my story to shut down such a minor point. Clearly I'm ok with it, or I wouldn't mention it. I'm not looking for someone to pet my ego. I've got enough of it already. And if you want to make me feel good, don't fucking interrupt me. Ya dig?

Secondly, I'm a really big fan of words, specifically adjectives and the actual meaning behind them, and how it connects to the mental picture that's being portrayed in speech and writing. And every single word, regardless of how "synonymous" they are has a different actual meaning in the language it's a part of.

The Greek language has four different words to express love and the varying degrees and actual emotions that it brings to the recipient. Many other languages do the same. Personally I feel that the English language is rather limited when it comes to words describing emotions, because white folk aren't down with that. Except for 19th century poets, because they got heavy on the passion.

I've read some letters men wrote to their ladies. I may or may not pretend they're written to me and have a drunken pity party alone in my room, while I listen to music of the era and spray men's cologne in the air to convince myself that I'm not alone in this world.

Oh the poor, lonely life of a fat girl...

But even they had to use metaphors and occasionally drop in some Latin to fully express their "love" and eventually get underneath some petticoats, if ya know what I mean... Heh heh heh...

But I digress. Sorry I got all up in your business about things I'm sure you don't care about if you're reading this completely non-literary blog.

Anyway, what I mean to say is that there is a limit to what can be referred to as "curvy," "thick," or "a real woman."

Let's be real. Roseanne Barr circa 1990 wasn't "curvy," that ho was fat. Scarlett Johanson, for all of her lack of talent, is "curvy." Girl got T&A for days. People with hourglass figures are curvy. Bitches shaped like a 300 pound pumpkin aren't curvy. Women shaped like linebackers aren't "curvy." So back off with that word.

Another one I don't like is "thick." Not only do I feel that this particular word makes me sound like I'm just dense as fuck, but once you breech 200 pounds you're not "thick" anymore. The modern perception of "thick" implies that there is some semblance of muscle underneath your layers of lard. Beyonce and all of her sexy, sensual, seductive body tissues is "thick." Venus Williams is "thick."

Let's just face it, only colored girls are thick. Ain't no thang. And the occasional white girl who slipped through the fingers of cold, hard genetics. Stupid whores...

And the one I hate the most is "a real woman." I was pissed as fuck when that movie came out with American Ferrara, "Real Women Have Curves."

Oh really? That's funny, because I didn't know that all of the naturally thin, healthy women out there were holograms or hallucinations from the depths of my self-depreciating mind. My inner skinny bitch is SO offended when people say that shit.

My own, personal definition of a "real woman" has something to do with the fact that they identify themselves as a female, are tangible and able to be seen by others with the gift of sight. But maybe that's just me. I could be wrong. But I freaking doubt it.

But of course, in the case of most fat girls, if you refer to them as straight up fat, they tear out your heart, dip it in butter and eat it. You can't win with these women. They expect you to just ignore the fact that they can't fit in a PT Cruiser unless you grease the sides with Crisco and throw in a Twinkie.

I'm sorry, but if I can't see around you and I can smell the cheese fermenting between your rolls, you're fat. Own it. And don't be offended when I call you out on it. I understand that society has conditioned you to believe that there's nothing socially unacceptable about being an orca in PersonLeather, but there is. Unless you've got an awesome personality and are otherwise socially acceptable, you're busted.

Moral of the Story: Fat girls hate when anyone even hints at their weight being anything other than what they have defined it as themselves, delusional as they may be. Also, I'm bitter about the English language and its lack of sufficient adjectives.